My D.J.

This morning as I drove into work, I put my iPod on and got a few nice songs strung together by some divine D.J.:

Hallelujah-Leonard Cohen

Peace on Earth-Todd Agnew

Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)-Jessica Simpson

Shadows-David Crowder Band

Ignition-TobyMac

I thought it was just what I needed this morning and found it amazing that the iPod, on shuffle, strung these together without a single one of the many pop and hip hop songs intermingled.

The song that speaks to me today is the David Crowder song:

When darkness falls on us

We will not fear

We will remember

When all seems lost

When we're thrown and we're tossed

We'll remember the cost

We're resting in the shadow of the cross.

When we are in the shadows of dark days, we are always in the shadow of His cross: protected, loved, and saved by His amazing grace.

Cry Out to Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye...
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
-from Third Day's Cry Out to Jesus

God bless you, Hokies.

Getting Into You

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into
-from Relient K's Getting Into You

Can I admit something here? I wonder if I am doing the ministry that God is calling me to do. I don't want to elaborate any further than that, I think. I have typed some things that I'm not ready to share yet, but suffice it to say that I am really trying to hear what God is saying to me because I'm unsettled with what I am doing in His name.

I Want To Know You (In The Secret)

Knowing God is not always easy;
probably one of the biggest hurdles is the difference between "knowing" Him
and simply "believing" in Him.
In James 2:17 it says that faith without action or good deeds is of no value.
As we desire to know God better, one question we have to ask ourselves is
do we just believe in God or are we seeking to know him more?
-liner notes in WOW 2000 from Sonicflood (about I Want To Know You (In The Secret))

I was filling my car with some old Christian songs this a.m. and as each song came on, I was reading the liner notes from each performer about the song. The words from Sonicflood were so thought provoking. I am pretty familiar with the Book of James and I the concept that faith without works is a dead faith. I don't struggle with how that fits in with the concept of God's overwhelming and unearnable grace. I feel that if you truly believe, that belief will drive you to act.

But, I had never thought about this in the context of my personal relationship with God. I never thought about how "believing" without actively working on the relationship was a dead faith. I knew this in my heart all along...but I love that I now know it in my head and that it has been tied in with the writings of James.

My Jesus

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?
-from Todd Agnew's My Jesus

It is not at all a coincidence that it has been almost a year since I posted here last. I've fallen out of relationship with Christ and become all too focused on this world since then.

We attend church and Sunday School. I still go to Circle. I even sing in the choir now. What I don't do is study the Bible, teach Sunday School, or pray regularly.

What I have been doing is listening to obscene music, watching too much television and spending too much time on the computer looking for approval from people I don't really know. I have made a lot of excuses for the sinful behavior of others based on my desire to be tolerant. I have enjoyed humor that is off color. I gossiped. In all ways, I have fallen short. Way short.

This Sunday, I actually taught Sunday School for a friend who was going to be out of town. The scripture was from Ephesians. The Ephesians mentioned in the Todd Agnew song that I quoted above...a song I had not heard until today. Read Ephesians 5:1-20. It convicted me. It opened my eyes to what I have been doing versus what I should be doing. Scared straight? I hope so.

Something else happened Sunday. Part of our Sunday School lesson discussed the difference between being baptized by the Holy Spirit and being filled by the Holy Spirit. We are baptized by the Holy Spirit without any action of our own but we have to take steps to be filled. If we have any unconfessed sin, we have not given over complete control to Him and He can't fill us.

This was heavy on my mind as we sat in church and prepared for communion. I was praying about this as I knelt at the rail, offering up the sins I had refused to admit before. The preacher dismissed us, the choir, from the altar rail with a prayer that for once did not mention one thing about the gift of music.

Instead, his brief prayer asked for us to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I felt as if that was spoken right to me by Christ.

Beauty from Pain

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
-from Superchic(k)'s Beauty from Pain

My mind hasn't been focused on anything fully since Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast. Always at the back of my mind are thoughts of the people and the losses they are suffering. I'm particularly aware of the people who either chose not to or, much more tragically, did not have the means to evacuate. Those who are still alive are left in a place which has been described as hell on earth.

Tonight I put in a new CD and heard Beauty from Pain for the first time. It seemed like a little hand out from God reminding me that it would all be OK. I just know that it will be a long time before those affected feel like "OK" is something that they can say in response to the simple question, "How are you" and my heart aches for them.

Homesick

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
-from Mercy Me's Homesick

Early last summer, my mother-in-law Barbara, her best friend and I went to see Mercy Me and Michael W. Smith in concert. Right before the concert, Barbara and her sisters had gone on a riverboat cruise with their mother, Alma. During the cruise, it became apparent that Alma's liver cancer was no longer slow growing and not a threat to her life.

As we sat out at the open air concert in the rain, Barbara was sharing this news with me. The skies began to clear when Mercy Me took the stage. When they introduced their song Homesick, they explained how the members of the band had lost several people close to them during the production of their latest album. The song went right to my heart as I sat next to Barbara who had lost her father many years ago and was now facing the imminent loss of her mother. I ached for her as I thought about the losses in terms of being homesick for a place where your parents were.

In September, Alma passed away with her daughters by her side. Right now, the girls are together working on her house. I know they are feeling very homesick right now as they are left clearing out a house which used to be their home and which they wish very much still was.

Open Skies

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now
Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company
Of all who love the King.
-from David Crowder Band's Open Skies

It is really beautiful today. The sky is clear and blue. The sun is shining. The trees are fully dressed in green and reaching for the heavens.

And, I am in a wonderful place. This country. This state. This city. Working in a good company with people that are honorable. Attending a church with people who are truly like family to us. Being part of a family that is full of love and blessed with good health.

Thank you, Lord, for all of these situational blessings that I often overlook. And, thank you for days like today when these things are so vivid to me.

In the Light

I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
-from DC Talk's In the Light

Excuses. Most days, I am full of them. Some of them are spoken, many of them are within my own head. Excuses for why my house is a wreck, why a task at work isn't done, why a task at work turned out wrong, why I haven't sent family any pictures of the kids, why that bill was late.

Why I don't spend time with God each day.

Why I don't pray.

Why I forgot what someone was going through.

Why I judged someone.

Why I gossiped about someone when I knew it was wrong.

Why I haven't shared my testimony with people I love.

God doesn't take excuses. Fortunately, He gives grace and love in abundance.

Beautiful

I blessed the day that I found you
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I'd go there again
'Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful
-from Amy Grant's Beautiful

I miss my husband. He is out of town for five, count them, five nights. It's not just that I'm on my own at home with two toddlers. It's not just that his being gone has killed my ability to get out and run, my new obsession, until he is back. It's those things a little, but it's more than that. Way more than that.

It's that he isn't there to be my partner in everyday existence. We have this little dance we do every night taking care of the kids, taking care of each other. I miss that. Yes, it has to do with me being the only one that the kids are bellowing at on these nights, but it is more than that. It feels like I'm one half of a whole without him there with me.

It's that he isn't next to me at night. I am used to being in a bed by myself because I travel on business a couple of times a year. I'm not used to being in MY bed by myself. In fact, I can't do it. I've cheated and had a tot in bed with me since Steve's been gone.

It's that he isn't walking behind me and, well, pinching my behind as he goes by. I am so fond of this little sign of affection from him that I feel like something is wrong if he passes by me first thing in the morning when he is half awake and he doesn't do it.

It's that he isn't there to watch TV with me. We are unabashedly couch potatoes and I know that it shouldn't matter if he is there to watch with me, but I really don't enjoy any of it nearly as much without him.

We have such a beautiful life together and it just isn't the same when we are physically separated like this. It makes me think about how these little things, these silly little things, will be what I miss so much some day if I am the one left behind. It's a sad thought, I know, but one I have at times like this.

I'm so glad he has had this opportunity to get away and just be Stephen for a while. Not daddy. Not husband. Not son. Just Stephen. But, I will be glad when he's home and can be all these things to us again from the same area code.

Last Day on Earth

Oh, if this should be my last day on this earth
How then shall I live
Oh, if this should be the last day that I have
Before I breathe the air of Heaven
Let me live it with abandon to
The only thing that remains
After my last day here on earth
-from Steven Curtis Chapman's Last Day on Earth

How do you live each day with abandon to your Lord? As I was driving to work to do my accounting job this morning, I pondered that.

Steven Curtis Chapman gets to live an obvious life of abandon to His maker as a Christian music artist. Everything he does, whether he intends for it to be so or not, is a statement of his faith because he is known as a Christian.

So, what can I, a plain, ordinary wife, mother and employee do to live in abandon to all that will really matter in the end? What can I do that will earn me the words, "Well done my good and faithful servant"?

Even though I'm not a famous Christian, I know that some people know that I am a Christian. Actually, almost anyone who looks at me should know that because I'm not wearing this cross necklace just to be a fashion icon a la the 80's Madonna. What do they also see when they see the necklace? Do they see a mother yelling at her out of control children in the video store? Do they see an employee frustrated with the tasks that are being given to her?

Even people on the road with me know what I am because I have a fish tag on the front of my mommyvan and a fish emblem on the back. I don't think the sort of abandon He is looking for is me cutting off a lot of people on the road or tailgating them so that they will see the symbol and think about their own mortality.

I am a witness every moment I am breathing whether I am prepared for that to be the testimony I give or not. I need to focus on abandoning myself to Him and His glory, honor and praise. This means reigning in my fears, worries and personal grievances so they don't restrain my ability to live with that abandon to God. Especially on a day like today: a day that started out well, but took a swift downturn when I let "things" block my line of vision. Such silly, earthly things that have no relevance to what will remain after my last day on earth. Here's to abandoning those things and living in abandon to Him!