Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Beauty from Pain

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
-from Superchic(k)'s Beauty from Pain


My mind hasn't been focused on anything fully since Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast. Always at the back of my mind are thoughts of the people and the losses they are suffering. I'm particularly aware of the people who either chose not to or, much more tragically, did not have the means to evacuate. Those who are still alive are left in a place which has been described as hell on earth.

Tonight I put in a new CD and heard Beauty from Pain for the first time. It seemed like a little hand out from God reminding me that it would all be OK. I just know that it will be a long time before those affected feel like "OK" is something that they can say in response to the simple question, "How are you" and my heart aches for them.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Homesick

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

-from Mercy Me's Homesick

Early last summer, my mother-in-law Barbara, her best friend and I went to see Mercy Me and Michael W. Smith in concert. Right before the concert, Barbara and her sisters had gone on a riverboat cruise with their mother, Alma. During the cruise, it became apparent that Alma's liver cancer was no longer slow growing and not a threat to her life.

As we sat out at the open air concert in the rain, Barbara was sharing this news with me. The skies began to clear when Mercy Me took the stage. When they introduced their song Homesick, they explained how the members of the band had lost several people close to them during the production of their latest album. The song went right to my heart as I sat next to Barbara who had lost her father many years ago and was now facing the imminent loss of her mother. I ached for her as I thought about the losses in terms of being homesick for a place where your parents were.

In September, Alma passed away with her daughters by her side. Right now, the girls are together working on her house. I know they are feeling very homesick right now as they are left clearing out a house which used to be their home and which they wish very much still was.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

PrayerRun

I wasn't kidding when I mentioned in an earlier entry that I make excuses for not praying. I do consider myself a spiritual person. A born again Christian, if you will. But, prayer...not my thing. I sit down to pray and my mind wanders and next thing you know I'm pondering some work problem or planning my weekend. Not good.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my mother-in-law had a book called PrayerWalk: Becoming a Woman of Prayer, Strength, and Discipline (by Janet Holm McHenry). One quick glance at the book and a short conversation with her about it and I knew I needed to get the book and get serious about making my early morning runs a time of prayer. So, the last two trips out to run, I've gone without my MP3 and with prayer on my mind. My thoughts still wander, but not far. Usually only as far as, "Holy smoke, breathe, Terri!" and then I'm back on task.

I have a lot to learn about prayer. But, at least now I have some time set aside for this specifically and that is a powerful step for me. Practice makes perfect?

Friday, May 13, 2005

Open Skies

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now
Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company
Of all who love the King.
-from David Crowder Band's Open Skies

It is really beautiful today. The sky is clear and blue. The sun is shining. The trees are fully dressed in green and reaching for the heavens.

And, I am in a wonderful place. This country. This state. This city. Working in a good company with people that are honorable. Attending a church with people who are truly like family to us. Being part of a family that is full of love and blessed with good health.

Thank you, Lord, for all of these situational blessings that I often overlook. And, thank you for days like today when these things are so vivid to me.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

In the Light

I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

-from DC Talk's In the Light

Excuses. Most days, I am full of them. Some of them are spoken, many of them are within my own head. Excuses for why my house is a wreck, why a task at work isn't done, why a task at work turned out wrong, why I haven't sent family any pictures of the kids, why that bill was late.

Why I don't spend time with God each day.

Why I don't pray.

Why I forgot what someone was going through.

Why I judged someone.

Why I gossiped about someone when I knew it was wrong.

Why I haven't shared my testimony with people I love.

God doesn't take excuses. Fortunately, He gives grace and love in abundance.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Beautiful

I blessed the day that I found you
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again
'Cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful
-from Amy Grant's Beautiful

I miss my husband. He is out of town for five, count them, five nights. It's not just that I'm on my own at home with two toddlers. It's not just that his being gone has killed my ability to get out and run, my new obsession, until he is back. It's those things a little, but it's more than that. Way more than that.

It's that he isn't there to be my partner in everyday existence. We have this little dance we do every night taking care of the kids, taking care of each other. I miss that. Yes, it has to do with me being the only one that the kids are bellowing at on these nights, but it is more than that. It feels like I'm one half of a whole without him there with me.

It's that he isn't next to me at night. I am used to being in a bed by myself because I travel on business a couple of times a year. I'm not used to being in MY bed by myself. In fact, I can't do it. I've cheated and had a tot in bed with me since Steve's been gone.

It's that he isn't walking behind me and, well, pinching my behind as he goes by. I am so fond of this little sign of affection from him that I feel like something is wrong if he passes by me first thing in the morning when he is half awake and he doesn't do it.

It's that he isn't there to watch TV with me. We are unabashedly couch potatoes and I know that it shouldn't matter if he is there to watch with me, but I really don't enjoy any of it nearly as much without him.

We have such a beautiful life together and it just isn't the same when we are physically separated like this. It makes me think about how these little things, these silly little things, will be what I miss so much some day if I am the one left behind. It's a sad thought, I know, but one I have at times like this.

I'm so glad he has had this opportunity to get away and just be Stephen for a while. Not daddy. Not husband. Not son. Just Stephen. But, I will be glad when he's home and can be all these things to us again from the same area code.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Last Day on Earth

Oh, if this should be my last day on this earth
How then shall I live
Oh, if this should be the last day that I have
Before I breathe the air of Heaven
Let me live it with abandon to
The only thing that remains
After my last day here on earth
-from Steven Curtis Chapman's Last Day on Earth

How do you live each day with abandon to your Lord? As I was driving to work to do my accounting job this morning, I pondered that.

Steven Curtis Chapman gets to live an obvious life of abandon to His maker as a Christian music artist. Everything he does, whether he intends for it to be so or not, is a statement of his faith because he is known as a Christian.

So, what can I, a plain, ordinary wife, mother and employee do to live in abandon to all that will really matter in the end? What can I do that will earn me the words, "Well done my good and faithful servant"?

Even though I'm not a famous Christian, I know that some people know that I am a Christian. Actually, almost anyone who looks at me should know that because I'm not wearing this cross necklace just to be a fashion icon a la the 80's Madonna. What do they also see when they see the necklace? Do they see a mother yelling at her out of control children in the video store? Do they see an employee frustrated with the tasks that are being given to her?

Even people on the road with me know what I am because I have a fish tag on the front of my mommyvan and a fish emblem on the back. I don't think the sort of abandon He is looking for is me cutting off a lot of people on the road or tailgating them so that they will see the symbol and think about their own mortality.

I am a witness every moment I am breathing whether I am prepared for that to be the testimony I give or not. I need to focus on abandoning myself to Him and His glory, honor and praise. This means reigning in my fears, worries and personal grievances so they don't restrain my ability to live with that abandon to God. Especially on a day like today: a day that started out well, but took a swift downturn when I let "things" block my line of vision. Such silly, earthly things that have no relevance to what will remain after my last day on earth. Here's to abandoning those things and living in abandon to Him!

Friday, May 06, 2005

friday's word

My brother-in-law, Andy, sends out daily word e-mails to a lucky group of people. This one came in on Friday and it uses the verse that gave this blog its name. He said it would be OK if I shared it here. And, by the way, I think Andy is a clear, steady light.

the word for friday is....LAMP.....this lamp on my desk is driving me crazy......i sit down to write, and as soon as i start typing (do you still call it typing, even if its on a computer?)... it starts blinking...

ive tried tightening the bulb.....but to no avail.......beth told me if it bothered me, i should fix it..... i told her that before i was married, my idea of fixing something was to throw it away and go buy a new one.....

but she said i cant do that..it was a wedding gift.....(not from anyone on this list!!!!!)

i only think about it for a few minutes each day.....then it never crosses my mind...until the next night......

it just gives off a screwed up light...not bright at all....and the constant on and off drives me nutty....which, i know, is a short drive.......... it just doesnt do what it is supposed to do !!!!!!!!

"You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14.....

really? are we? are we a clear light...or a blinking...on and off...screwed up one???

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Sermon: UMW Sunday April 2005

I. Introduction
a. I started running at the end of February. It’s not something I have ever done before nor something I ever envisioned myself doing. But there I was, on the last Friday morning in February, walking in the predawn hours and throwing in an occasional run. The next day I signed up for my first 5K. Over the next few weeks I continued to work on building up my running time and decreasing my walking time. I participated in that first race and ran more of it than I would have dreamed possible. On my birthday, while we were away at the church retreat, I got up and took my first 30-minute non-stop run. Last weekend, I participated in my second 5K and this one I ran the whole way through a very hilly course in Alabaster. I’m signed up for another one in May and I hope to try a 10K by the end of the year.
b. All this to say, after Kittye asked me if I would speak to you today, it took me about five seconds to know what scripture I would speak to you about because my mind has been so focused on this new endeavor of mine. The scripture Cathy just read from Hebrews uses running a race as an analogy for living our time out here on earth. This is an analogy that I can now relate to better than I could a year ago when I first became familiar with this scripture as it was used in a sermon series presented at a church a coworker of mine attends in Birmingham.
II. Building Endurance
a. In Hebrews 12, the author tells the reader to run with perseverance, to throw off all hindrances and run!
b. When I started running, there were all sorts of hindrances. First of all, I had never run before. “Isn’t running bad for you?” I thought. Can’t you easily get hurt? Second, when was I going to run? I have so much on my plate already. When was I going to find time for something like running? I quickly figured out that the only time I would be able to run was at 5 in the morning. I thought, “Well, I can’t run in the dark! I’ll have to wait until it’s lighter in the morning.” That, I eventually realized, was just another excuse. It’s never light at 5 a.m.! What would I wear? What kind of shoes would I need? Finally, I just decided that no excuse or even the entire gaggle of excuses that I had come up with was enough to keep me from giving it a try…just once. Just one morning.
c. That is what we are to do in our spiritual race. We have to just decide that in spite of all the excuses we have for not living the right sort of life, the sort of life Jesus would want us to, we just have to do it. Just do it, as the Nike ad says. If we are spending time with people who will look down on us if we behave too much like a Christian, well, we just have to get away from those people. That may hurt. Very much. But it is something we may have to do. If we find ourselves in circumstances over and over again that make it hard for us to resist temptation and sin, we have to find the way to rearrange our lives to stay out of those circumstances. We have to decide, daily, that we are going to participate in the race set out before us as Christians. Sometimes we have to do this in spite of ourselves. Sometimes we have to decide to run forward when we feel like the day before was such a lost cause that there is no point in starting out again today because surely we will fail again. We have to KNOW that we are equipped for the race even if our past seems to argue the opposite.
d. So, there I was. I was going to start running. That first morning I went out and I ran some. OK, I ran very little. I just didn’t have the endurance to run more than about a minute without having to slow down to walk for five minutes. It would have been so easy to just quit at that point. But, I didn’t. I had read books about how your body would adapt and you could become a runner. I knew that I had to see what I could do. I learned a lot about myself, and I am still learning.
e. This process of building endurance is no different in our spiritual race. I doubt any of us just started out of the gate as a spiritual warrior. Even Peter had a lot of sputtering starts in his race. He was bold enough to step out on the water to walk to Jesus, but when the winds came up, he sank. He claimed he would die for Jesus, but then denied him three times. Nonetheless, this man later died for his beliefs on a cross like His savior. That’s how it is with all of us. I talked earlier about how running the faith race may require us to change our relationships and our surroundings. This is not an easy thing and it is not something that you can accomplish overnight. When you do decide to make changes like these, it’s easy to backslide into old behaviors…especially at first. But eventually, with God’s help, we will find a way to run past our demons. Slowly, these things that were such struggles at first to overcome will seem so trivial you might end up wondering how it was ever a hurdle you couldn’t sail over. Don’t worry. There are plenty more hurdles as we continue along the course.
III. Importance of Racing
a. Running can be a very solitary sport. It is certainly not a team effort. 95% of the time, I am running all alone. Remember I run so early in the morning, I not only am running alone…no one is even out to see me. Well, except for the newspaper guy. If you ever see me with newsprint on the side of my face you will know what happened that morning on my run. As a working mom, let me tell you I really enjoy this time to myself. However, it is important to actually participate in races. Races keep runners honest, it keeps us from being self-delusional. Racing reminds you that no matter how far you have come in your own personal training, no matter how many personal records you have set during your solo runs, you still are part of a bigger world of people who run. And many of them run better and faster than you do.
b. Many, many days I think I could be a perfect Christian if I could just be by myself. From the time I get up in the morning to the time I close my eyes at night, people and situations challenge me. As I was writing this very sermon, my children were fighting with each other and I was extremely tempted to behave in a way that was completely contradictory to everything I am talking about today. Do you want to know what one of the most challenging times of the week is for our family? Sunday mornings. It is rare that we get out of the house, on time, without someone yelling or screaming or crying. It’s really bad when Steve cries. But, anyway…that’s the way it is. We have to live our lives with other people. Coworkers, family, friends, people who are not our friends. It keeps us honest. It keeps us from being self-delusional. It reminds us that we need every bit of the grace that God has extended to us because we certainly aren’t going to be setting any personal records worth bragging about on most days of our lives.
IV. Types of Racers
a. I have a running hero. His name is John Bingham and he is an author and a columnist for Runner’s World magazine. At the age of 43, Bingham transformed himself from someone leading a life of sedentary confinement, as he called it, to the life of an avid runner and marathoner. But that is not what makes him my hero. The thing that makes him a hero to me is that he has such a lighthearted look at running, and believe me, running is not generally taken that way. He calls himself a Penguin. A Penguin because penguins waddle and that is how he says his running is best described. He is slow. He is a back of the pack runner. And, with this sort of honesty and humor, he encourages his readers to get out there and do the same. In his book The Courage to Start, he describes the four categories of runners that you will see at a race and how to spot each one of them. I have run in a grand total of two races and I can already see how on the money these descriptions are.
i. First there are the really fast runners-These are the national or even international caliber runners who have a chance at winning any race they enter. The really fast runners don’t talk to anyone before a race. Racing is all business to the really fast runners.
ii. Then there are the pretty fast runners-These are the local runners who on a good day might have a chance at an overall win. The pretty fast runners know the names of all the really fast runners and annoy them by trying to talk to them before the race. The pretty fast runners are never actually competing in the race in which they are running. They are always just training for the next race.
iii. Next are the kind of fast runners-These are the runners who have a chance at placing in their age group. They are easy to spot because they are either 1) injured right now, 2) just coming back from an injury or 3) are worried about reinjuring themselves.
iv. Then there are the runners like me: the back of the pack runners- These are the runners that might just, on a good day, not be trying desperately to stay in front of the police car that is bringing up the rear of the race. These are the runners who are worried about important things like, “will I be able to finish” and “will there be any post-race food left by the time I finish”.
b. When I read this section of Bingham’s book, I thought about how these descriptions can be pretty apt descriptions of Christians running the faith race.
i. In the scripture today, the author of Hebrews tells us to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Jesus is THE really fast runner. The race was all business for Him and how He ran the race is the example for all of us to use in how we run our races. He kept His eye on the end reward and wasn’t hindered by anything that came along. Jesus had a job to do when He was on this earth and every step He took was one toward accomplishing His Father’s mission for Him.
ii. The pretty fast runners, according to Bingham, remember, were always trying to talk to the really fast runners. In the Christian race, to me this means these runners are always trying to communicate with Jesus. These are the superstars of our faith. These are the Christians who are always trying to talk to the really fast runner, Jesus. They are prayer warriors. They want to be like Jesus. These are people like Peter, Paul, and Mary (and I’m talking about the folk group). These are people like Martin Luther and Charles Wesley. People like Mother Teresa.
iii. The kind of fast runners are people like Ashley Smith, the woman who talked the Atlanta Courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols, into surrendering. Ashley, whose witnessing to the man who was holding her hostage, is now known around the United States for her Christian behavior on that very frightening day. But she has not always been a model for Christian behavior. Early in her life, she had been arrested for shoplifting, drunken driving, speeding and battery. She had watched her husband, the father of her daughter, die after being stabbed. She was, on that day, recovering from injuries she had suffered during her race in life. She was in the process of turning her life around, getting back on track. And, she ran a great race on that day and set an example for many to look to. She demonstrates that no matter how imperfect our past may be, no matter how many mistakes we may have made, we can still be a winner. We can still run the rest of the race with our eye on Jesus and finish in a way that would make him proud.
iv. The back of the pack runners are definitely “my people” when it comes to real life running. In my last race, I came in last in my age group. Only 5 people finished behind me and I know that at least one of those didn’t run one step in the entire race as she was walking the course. I was passed on the 5K course by a man that I saw turn around at the ½ mile mark with his children to complete the one mile fun run with them. He ran a 1-mile run and a 5K before I finished the 5K. Oh yes. I am definitely a Penguin in the running world and I think that is what I am in the spiritual race as well. Those of us in the back of the pack know where we need to have our eyes fixed, but we sometimes get distracted by more immediate earthly concerns. We run an imperfect race, a plodding race, a clearly unspectacular race, but we are at least in the race. John Bingham has a catch phrase, “The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.” (which is where his book title comes from). As back of the pack runners in the faith race, we have proven we have the courage to start the race, now we just have to continue on to the finish. We have to hope we have days where we are one of the kind of fast runners like Ashley Smith, unafraid to try when we have been hurt before and know that we might very well get hurt again. We have to dream that we can be like the pretty fast runners and set an example for others to follow as we live a life in relationship with Jesus. But most importantly, we have to keep our eyes on Jesus and try to run the race like He would.