Homesick

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
-from Mercy Me's Homesick

Early last summer, my mother-in-law Barbara, her best friend and I went to see Mercy Me and Michael W. Smith in concert. Right before the concert, Barbara and her sisters had gone on a riverboat cruise with their mother, Alma. During the cruise, it became apparent that Alma's liver cancer was no longer slow growing and not a threat to her life.

As we sat out at the open air concert in the rain, Barbara was sharing this news with me. The skies began to clear when Mercy Me took the stage. When they introduced their song Homesick, they explained how the members of the band had lost several people close to them during the production of their latest album. The song went right to my heart as I sat next to Barbara who had lost her father many years ago and was now facing the imminent loss of her mother. I ached for her as I thought about the losses in terms of being homesick for a place where your parents were.

In September, Alma passed away with her daughters by her side. Right now, the girls are together working on her house. I know they are feeling very homesick right now as they are left clearing out a house which used to be their home and which they wish very much still was.

PrayerRun

I wasn't kidding when I mentioned in an earlier entry that I make excuses for not praying. I do consider myself a spiritual person. A born again Christian, if you will. But, prayer...not my thing. I sit down to pray and my mind wanders and next thing you know I'm pondering some work problem or planning my weekend. Not good.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my mother-in-law had a book called PrayerWalk: Becoming a Woman of Prayer, Strength, and Discipline (by Janet Holm McHenry). One quick glance at the book and a short conversation with her about it and I knew I needed to get the book and get serious about making my early morning runs a time of prayer. So, the last two trips out to run, I've gone without my MP3 and with prayer on my mind. My thoughts still wander, but not far. Usually only as far as, "Holy smoke, breathe, Terri!" and then I'm back on task.

I have a lot to learn about prayer. But, at least now I have some time set aside for this specifically and that is a powerful step for me. Practice makes perfect?

Open Skies

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now
Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company
Of all who love the King.
-from David Crowder Band's Open Skies

It is really beautiful today. The sky is clear and blue. The sun is shining. The trees are fully dressed in green and reaching for the heavens.

And, I am in a wonderful place. This country. This state. This city. Working in a good company with people that are honorable. Attending a church with people who are truly like family to us. Being part of a family that is full of love and blessed with good health.

Thank you, Lord, for all of these situational blessings that I often overlook. And, thank you for days like today when these things are so vivid to me.

In the Light

I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
-from DC Talk's In the Light

Excuses. Most days, I am full of them. Some of them are spoken, many of them are within my own head. Excuses for why my house is a wreck, why a task at work isn't done, why a task at work turned out wrong, why I haven't sent family any pictures of the kids, why that bill was late.

Why I don't spend time with God each day.

Why I don't pray.

Why I forgot what someone was going through.

Why I judged someone.

Why I gossiped about someone when I knew it was wrong.

Why I haven't shared my testimony with people I love.

God doesn't take excuses. Fortunately, He gives grace and love in abundance.

Beautiful

I blessed the day that I found you
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I'd go there again
'Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful
-from Amy Grant's Beautiful

I miss my husband. He is out of town for five, count them, five nights. It's not just that I'm on my own at home with two toddlers. It's not just that his being gone has killed my ability to get out and run, my new obsession, until he is back. It's those things a little, but it's more than that. Way more than that.

It's that he isn't there to be my partner in everyday existence. We have this little dance we do every night taking care of the kids, taking care of each other. I miss that. Yes, it has to do with me being the only one that the kids are bellowing at on these nights, but it is more than that. It feels like I'm one half of a whole without him there with me.

It's that he isn't next to me at night. I am used to being in a bed by myself because I travel on business a couple of times a year. I'm not used to being in MY bed by myself. In fact, I can't do it. I've cheated and had a tot in bed with me since Steve's been gone.

It's that he isn't walking behind me and, well, pinching my behind as he goes by. I am so fond of this little sign of affection from him that I feel like something is wrong if he passes by me first thing in the morning when he is half awake and he doesn't do it.

It's that he isn't there to watch TV with me. We are unabashedly couch potatoes and I know that it shouldn't matter if he is there to watch with me, but I really don't enjoy any of it nearly as much without him.

We have such a beautiful life together and it just isn't the same when we are physically separated like this. It makes me think about how these little things, these silly little things, will be what I miss so much some day if I am the one left behind. It's a sad thought, I know, but one I have at times like this.

I'm so glad he has had this opportunity to get away and just be Stephen for a while. Not daddy. Not husband. Not son. Just Stephen. But, I will be glad when he's home and can be all these things to us again from the same area code.

Last Day on Earth

Oh, if this should be my last day on this earth
How then shall I live
Oh, if this should be the last day that I have
Before I breathe the air of Heaven
Let me live it with abandon to
The only thing that remains
After my last day here on earth
-from Steven Curtis Chapman's Last Day on Earth

How do you live each day with abandon to your Lord? As I was driving to work to do my accounting job this morning, I pondered that.

Steven Curtis Chapman gets to live an obvious life of abandon to His maker as a Christian music artist. Everything he does, whether he intends for it to be so or not, is a statement of his faith because he is known as a Christian.

So, what can I, a plain, ordinary wife, mother and employee do to live in abandon to all that will really matter in the end? What can I do that will earn me the words, "Well done my good and faithful servant"?

Even though I'm not a famous Christian, I know that some people know that I am a Christian. Actually, almost anyone who looks at me should know that because I'm not wearing this cross necklace just to be a fashion icon a la the 80's Madonna. What do they also see when they see the necklace? Do they see a mother yelling at her out of control children in the video store? Do they see an employee frustrated with the tasks that are being given to her?

Even people on the road with me know what I am because I have a fish tag on the front of my mommyvan and a fish emblem on the back. I don't think the sort of abandon He is looking for is me cutting off a lot of people on the road or tailgating them so that they will see the symbol and think about their own mortality.

I am a witness every moment I am breathing whether I am prepared for that to be the testimony I give or not. I need to focus on abandoning myself to Him and His glory, honor and praise. This means reigning in my fears, worries and personal grievances so they don't restrain my ability to live with that abandon to God. Especially on a day like today: a day that started out well, but took a swift downturn when I let "things" block my line of vision. Such silly, earthly things that have no relevance to what will remain after my last day on earth. Here's to abandoning those things and living in abandon to Him!

friday's word

My brother-in-law, Andy, sends out daily word e-mails to a lucky group of people. This one came in on Friday and it uses the verse that gave this blog its name. He said it would be OK if I shared it here. And, by the way, I think Andy is a clear, steady light.

the word for friday is....LAMP.....this lamp on my desk is driving me crazy......i sit down to write, and as soon as i start typing (do you still call it typing, even if its on a computer?)... it starts blinking...

ive tried tightening the bulb.....but to no avail.......beth told me if it bothered me, i should fix it..... i told her that before i was married, my idea of fixing something was to throw it away and go buy a new one.....

but she said i cant do that..it was a wedding gift.....(not from anyone on this list!!!!!)

i only think about it for a few minutes each day.....then it never crosses my mind...until the next night......

it just gives off a screwed up light...not bright at all....and the constant on and off drives me nutty....which, i know, is a short drive.......... it just doesnt do what it is supposed to do !!!!!!!!

"You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14.....

really? are we? are we a clear light...or a blinking...on and off...screwed up one???